I’m at my old place of employment, and one of my former coworkers comes up to me and immediately says that I’ve gained weight. “Estás gorda, Kelly”. She speaks Spanish, and my Spanish is too rusty to even have a rebuttle about it, so I instead told her that I haven’t been moving as much since I quit work there. I understand that she didn’t mean to be insensitive. She was being brutally honest. I have come far enough in my ED recovery to know this:

That comment was not directed at me to insult me, nor do I need to punish myself for it.

I have respect for my body today. I no longer feel the need to let ED rule my life. That’s no life to live. I appreciate that there are all shapes and sizes of human beings out there. No one deserves to feel less than because of their appearance.

Something I have learned in the past 7 months or so of ED being in remission is I am capable of unconditionally loving myself. I know how to do that today. It took a long time for me to reach this point. As they say, “Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly”. For me, it was a process of first, learning how to identify my emotions, and second, being okay with not being okay. Sometimes I still have days where I don’t feel like doing anything, and even getting out of bed is hard. Sometimes doing nothing is self-care.

I remember my therapist telling me one time that having a pajama day can be productive. I didn’t understand this at the time. What I think she meant was that it’s okay to take care of myself and have a day to recharge.

ED recovery isn’t easy. There are still moments when I get anxious to look at sizes when trying on shorts for summer, or when I instinctively look at the calories on the back of a food package. These behaviors might slip into my life here and there. I can accept they’re there as long as they’re not ruling my life. I am no longer letting ED decide that just because I ate lunch today I don’t get to eat later. No longer do I allow ED to scream in my head and cause panic at the thought of completing a meal. I simply don’t deserve to be treated that way.

So, when I get called “gorda”, I’m not offended.

I’m healthy. I’m no longer a slave to ED. I love my body.

I don’t measure my self-worth by a number anymore.

ED has no place in my life.

Sending love and light, Kel.