Sunday, November 24th. That was the day I admitted complete defeat over my eating disorder.

I sat in my dietician’s office; scared, anxious, frustrated. I knew I needed to be there, but ED was telling me otherwise. I had been up for two days prior, and I was emotional. My dietician said something that will stick with me forever: “Kelly, imagine if that plant in the corner had gotten no sun or water. What would happen? It would become half-dead”. That struck me. We talked about more things that night, but that’s the one thing I remember that brought me to my knees.

I cried in my car on the drive home. I was crying so hard that I could hardly see the lanes. The radio was off. I screamed at God. I said, “I don’t want to be like the plant in the corner!!! I don’t want to be half-dead! I want to live!” I knew then that I had admitted complete defeat. I had admitted the unmanageability of my eating disorder. I admitted my powerlessness.

I knew deep down that, if I were to continue to listen to my eating disorder, I wouldn’t be alive much longer. I looked healthy on the outside, but that’s the tricky part of most eating disorders. Actually, I was dying. I felt my body shutting down from years of acting on my eating disordered behavior. I wasn’t sure where to begin in starting eating disorder recovery, but I had my treatment team and God to help me through.

I know now what a balanced meal looks like. I know I need to eat, even when ED is loud. Even when ED is telling me, “you ate a lot yesterday, so you don’t need anything today. You’ll gain 50lbs if you start to eat reguarly. Don’t wear anything tight, you’re huge, it’ll look horrible”. Those are lies. I know they’re lies now. And I’m done listening.

I’m ready to begin my journey of healing mind, body, and soul. I’m taking care of myself today.

Thank you to my treatment team for helping me get this far in recovery and supporting me through it all.

I’m ready.

Sending love and light, Kel.