My ED recovery is sort of shaky (to say the least). I think I’m doing okay, yet, I can’t help but to know that is a complete lie. It’s me in denial. So, how do I get myself to see the truth? Truth is: I’m not in recovery. If I were in recovery I would be taking different actions to help myself. Healing means allowing imperfection, yes. It also means actually trying. I’m just coasting along.

I’m gaining weight. I know because of the brand new stretch marks on my stomach and arms. I know because my clothes are too tight. It sucks. I’m afraid going “all-in” into my recovery means that I’ll keep gaining weight. I don’t mind being a size 14/16. Actually, that’s probably an okay size for me as 30 year old woman. What I care about are the judgments of other people about my weight.

People can be super judgmental when it comes to body image. They make comments about appearance when it’s not their place to do so. Try healing from an eating disorder living with someone who’s always commenting on how “you would look much better at a size ten”! Not gonna happen. And yet, I persevere. I’m doing my best with what I have to work with.

I’m making a vow right now to take care of myself in spite of my feelings of shame that I’m eating “too much” or the “wrong kinds” of food or that my body size is “wrong”. I deserve recovery. I deserve freedom. I deserve to live my truth… and, truth is, I am worthy and completely capable of recovery.

Sending love and light. -Kel