It’s a gloomy, grey day today with a light, consistent wind and some rain. Perfect weather for staying in bed. I woke up at 6am only to go back to bed later for an hour and a half nap. I’m sluggish… and I don’t really care about self-care or doing anything today.

My therapist would probably ask if I thought it was due to depression. I hardly ever lie to my therapist (except by omission on rare occasion). I’d just be honest: maybe a little. Not enough to cause alarm. With my Bipolar Disorder I sometimes have episodes of depression that only last two to four days. And sometimes I don’t notice an episode (of either depression or hypomania) is even occurring until someone points it out.

Those times when I don’t notice my depression, or when it’s just a ‘blah’ regular old day, I start to feel guilty about not doing the things that I’m “supposed” to be doing. But, honestly, sometimes a person just needs a ‘blah’ day. We can’t be 100% all of the time. It’s just not human.

Today I’ll remind myself that it’s okay if all I can do is 70%. I’m showing up to my day as best I can. That doesn’t mean it can’t change throughout the day. I’m learning flexibility and to live in the grey area instead of the black & white. My grey area today is knowing I’m completely enough no matter what I do or don’t do in the next ten hours that I have left before I go to sleep tonight. Remembering on days like these, too, that it could get better. And that it’s completely okay if it doesn’t. I’m still enough.

Sending love and light, Kel.