For the longest time I thought that I wasn’t deserving of help because I wasn’t “sick enough” in my eating disorder. There wasn’t a period of time that I thought I was “sick enough”, even during the time I almost passed out from malnutrition and dehydration while driving. I never thought I needed a dietician. Oh, how wrong I was!

Since beginning to see my dietician, I’ve learned many lessons of self-care and self-love that were different than the ones my therapist taught me.

I learned that I can eat pizza for breakfast and pancakes for dinner! There’s no manual that says you have to have breakfast for breakfast and dinner for dinner. I’m not much of a breakfast food eater anyway.

I learned that the numbers on the scale don’t have anything to do with my worth as a human being. My dietician would ask me how I feel about my weight going up. Panicky. My weight going down? Not enough. So, either way, any weight is never enough. It will always be a chase to lose more and more. There’s never a “goal weight” because it’s not reachable. My ED wants me dead, and it’ll go to any length to make that happen… especially when it comes to malnutrition and the number on the scale going down. So we arrest the ED by, firstly, stopping with the scale altogether.

I learned that having a schedule for mealtimes is important. “Mechanical eating”, as they call it, is also important in early recovery. I had lost my hunger and fullness cues. I was never hungry and, when I would eat, I got full fast. Mechanical eating helped because it got me into a routine that my body started to recognize. Slowly my body started to know, “Hey, it’s time for my morning snack” and I would proceed with my snack time.

All of these things that I’ve learned with my dietician have helped me see that recovery is possible. Do I always follow these lessons? No. I do my best to, though.

Today I know there’s no such thing as “sick enough”. If a person thinks they need help, they should seek professional help, no matter how sick (or not sick) they feel. I knew I needed help when, after years of denying that I had an eating disorder, I finally broke down and agreed to get help because I felt like I was physically dying. I couldn’t turn my head to look behind me without getting dizzy and seeing stars. That was one of the biggest clues for me. I didn’t have many other physical symptoms (that I knew of) but I just felt half dead.

I’m blessed to have an amazing dietician on my treatment team. We’re continuing to work together to keep me on track, and to get me back on track when I fall. She’s just the best!

There is no such thing as not being “sick enough” to seek help. It takes courage to take that leap, and I have found out that it’s so worth it once you do! Take care of you.

Sending love and light, Kel.