When severe depression lasts more than 10 days, it can start to feel like it’ll never end. The darkness sits there in the back of my mind constantly. Even when I think I might be getting better, the darkness comes back up again. It’s a difficult battle to face.

The past few weeks I’ve experienced extreme ups and downs. I’d go from very elated to severely depressed all in one day. I assume this is what they call a “mixed episode” in bipolar disorder. Or it could be ultra-rapid cycling. Either way, it’s not fun. It’s day eleven of this now and I’m getting frustrated and angry. I hate bipolar disorder right now! It disrupts my whole life! Luckily I have a huge support system and a very good treatment team to help me through.

Bipolar depression is something no one will understand unless they’ve lived it. It’s a black hole. It feels like it’s crushing my soul every time it comes around. I’ve stopped trying to explain how I feel to people because they just don’t get it. They try to relate, but that only makes me angry because it’s like they’re minimizing my experience. I am glad, in a way, that they don’t understand. That means they haven’t felt the immense pain of bipolar depression.

If you have bipolar disorder, you know what I’m talking about. I hope I can shed some light on what bipolar depression feels like to those who might not know.

It’s a blanket of darkness. There’s no light coming in. It silences your heart and screams in your mind. Your body won’t move off the couch no matter how much you will it to. Sadness overcomes everything. There are no colors anymore; only grey. Laughter makes you cringe, yet there’s a longing for it to return to you. Your eyes are dead. You haven’t showered in five days. Nothing seems right. You’re lost inside yourself with seemingly no way out. “Just hide under the covers and shut off your phone”, depression says. “No one wants to be by you anymore”. And then you think to yourself, “Why bother anymore?” But you reach out anyway, only to find no one understands. It’s lonely. Your mind is not your friend.

– Kel