Hey friends.

I want to tell you about my experience this past week in a poem.

It’s been a rough one. My moods have been up and down. Sometimes I don’t think anyone wants me around. There’s a darkness looming inside. It’s in my mind; there’s nowhere to hide. I’ve been having times of self-injury. I’ve been having times of distress and misery. Sometimes I don’t see a way out. There’s little hope and, to feel a spark of hope inside, I have to doubt. No one prepared me for feeling this pain. No one ever told me it’d feel this way. Every attempt at happiness never lasts. I can’t even remember happiness in my past. It hurts to know that this is my reality now. It might go away, I guess, somehow. But it still looms and darkness persists. At times, I can’t even explain it. I think it’s here in my life for a reason. There has to be a reason. Sometimes this feeling passes like the seasons. Quickly, before my eyes, it’s relieving. For now it’s here and there is no relief. I sit in grief; wishing away the pain of emotion held inside. It’s been ages since I’ve cried. There’s tension in my body and overwhelm in my head. I can’t move from the couch; I can’t get out of bed. I force myself into the shower because I know it’ll make me feel a bit better. I persevere in this maze of hurting emotion, though my heart may be shattered. I feel relatively okay when I’m around others. Even laughter comes to play, though my stomach still flutters. Anxiety is high, too, so I mostly isolate. Darkness inside is still there, making it hard to communicate. I know this too shall pass like it always does. Right now it feels permanent and it feels like I’ll drown. It won’t let go like it should. Moods suffocate me and keep me down. But I’m used to it now. There will come a day that this all will disappear. I’ll be happy then. No more living in fear. Though that seems so far away and out of reach, it does give me hope that this pain will cease.

I’ve had a hard time lately, as you may be able to tell from this poem. Part of me is hopeful. Although, the mental anguish is always hard to feel. I hope I can use the skills I’ve been taught in therapy and recovery in general. I just need to find that motivation.

I’ve been told I’m stronger than depression and anxiety. I’m bigger than them. So I keep moving forward. Someone once told me that depression can’t hit a moving target. That sticks with me as I try to take action out of this. I have so much support from others and I’m trying not to be so mean to myself anymore either. It’s astounding to me how mean I can be to myself when I really think about it!

Thank you to everyone who’s walking with me on my journey, one day at a time. It means so much to me and I’m grateful for you.

Being kind to oneself isn’t an easy thing to do. We tend to be down on ourselves the most. So today, even when I don’t feel like it, I’m going to try to be kind and gentle toward myself through this. I deserve to treat myself with love and respect through hard times. Even if I can’t get off the couch, at least I can turn on some music or something to help lift up my spirit a little more. If that’s all I can do today then that has to be enough.

– Kel