My therapist asked me what I thought about a higher level of care since I’ve been up and down mood-wise a lot lately. I told her I think it’d be a good idea. So, I found somewhere that would take my insurance and did an assessment. They placed me in their IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program). I’ll start the program this week sometime and will go for three to five weeks, Monday through Friday.

It’s not the first IOP that I’ve done, and probably won’t be the last either. Having Bipolar Disorder type II with rapid cycling, I have to be aware of those times when extra help is needed. Depression or hypomania can come on fast, and who knows how long they’ll stay. They could come and go in three days or three months. It’s always a surprise with rapid cycling.

I’ll only get out what I put into this program. If I just go to sit there for three hours a day and don’t participate, I’m not going to get very far in helping my recovery. The point of going to this IOP is to help stablize my moods so that I won’t need to be in a higher level of care anymore. Once a week therapy with the occasional extra session is my norm. And that works for me… until it doesn’t.

My depression has gotten increasingly worse. I rate it at a seven on a scale from one to ten. Just an example: I’ll go days without showering and then wear the same clothes for two or three days. I’ll get up out of bed only to end up on the couch for the rest of the day. Some people might look at this and call me lazy. It’s deeper than “lazy”. It’s painful and it’s hard and it’s just plain awful to experience. I try to talk myself into getting up and into taking a shower. This only makes me feel ashamed because then, when I feel like I absolutely can’t do it, I get overwhelmed and sad that I “should be doing xyz”. I try not to “should” myself these days, but it can be hard not to!

So, when my therapist said she thought a higher level of care would be a good idea, too, I wasn’t surprised. It’s something that’s needed for my recovery process right now. I’m not going to say it’ll be easy. Being in a room full of strangers and disclosing your darkest moments is difficult! It’ll take time to warm up for me. Do I NEED to do this? Yes. Do I WANT to? Like I said before, I think it’s a good idea. And, I’ll still get to see my therapist on a weekly basis while I’m in IOP.

Needing extra support sometimes isn’t a good thing or a bad thing; it just is what it is. It’s okay to need help, and it’s okay to ask for it. At times maybe we think we can do this alone. We’re scared to get vulnerable. We’re scared to do the work. But, in the end, we know it’ll be worth it.

We’re all worthy and deserving of getting the care we need for our mental well-being… no matter what. If you’re struggling now, here’s something I need you to know: help is available. The first step may be hard, and it may be scary… and it’s so worth the effort.

Sending love, Kel.