“The smile that you gave me even when you felt like dying…” -Billie Eilish

---

There have been many times in my life when I’ve felt this way. I told my therapist over and over that I was 49/51 on wanting to die vs wanting to live. I had written many “life lists” on why I’m grateful for living. I had written letters to myself about why life is worth living. I had also written many suicide notes throughout the years. I have scars on my arms and legs from self-injurious behavior.

And I mostly gave a smile all the way through these things.

I believe my smile was hiding the intense suicidal thoughts and feelings I was having for a reason. I couldn’t bear to show my pain to others. I didn’t want them to know. I didn’t want them to have to see my pain or feel scared for me. I didn’t want them to worry. There were a select few people with whom I did confide in about my thoughts and feelings. I trusted that they could handle it. I’ve since then asked them about it, and they’ve told me that my sharing my experiences did in fact worry them and make them feel heavy sadness. Learning this now really doesn’t surprise me. I would feel the same way about any of my friends if they told me they wanted to die.

The first therapist I ever talked to in my life was a psychologist in an outpatient program. I sat in the room with my dark thoughts looming in the forefront of my mind…and I smiled. The psychologist told me she’d never came across such a thing; a suicidal person with a grin on their face. She must’ve thought I was psychotic. She wouldn’t let me go home that day. I was taken to the local hospital via ambulance for my first 6 day stay in the psych unit. Thus began my mental health journey.

Looking back at the many hospitalizations that occurred in the following 5 years, I can say each one saved my life in one way or another. I learned something from each hospitalization, each intensive outpatient, each individual therapy session.

My life in recovery today looks much different than it did those 7 years ago. I have hope for a future today, although, I mostly don’t know what my future might look like. I still have very few life goals, and very little direction. I still have bouts of self-injury at times. I still think about death. The thing that’s different now is the hope that I hold. Hope is there to tell me that, Higher Power willing, I still have 60 more years or more of this life to live. There are still many places to see and many strangers to meet. There’s still time to make an impact on this earth.

Today when I smile it’s because I’m showing my happiness. It has little to do with hiding dark feelings anymore. I can cry when I feel sad or overwhelmed. I can laugh when I find something amusing. My emotional responses are appropriate for the occasion.

So, that smile I gave even when I felt like dying has transformed into something so much more. No longer hiding; no longer only surviving… I smile because I’m alive.

Sending love and light, Kel.