I’m feeling immense gratitude today. I’ve learned that I can’t force gratitude. I can’t just write a gratitude list and feel better, especially when I’m depressed or having a plain old down day. When gratitude comes, it’s like a gift. I feel it throughout my whole being. My love for myself heightens. I’m able to look at myself in the mirror and tell myself, “I love you, Kelly”.

It took me a long time to be able to tell myself that I love myself. I remember being in a group session in the psych unit almost in tears telling the group facilitator that I don’t love myself. I didn’t hate myself, but I couldn’t bring myself to open up my heart to myself. I had been told by many of my supports to practice smiling at myself in the mirror. Most of the time, this exercise would result in my heart feeling heavy and my eyes looking through myself. I was numb, and then the floodgates would open up out of frustration and hurt. It literally hurt my heart to look at myself.

It took many years of doing this practice for me to even say that I like myself. One day, I decided to write messages of self-love on post-it notes and put them on my bedroom mirror where I could see them every day. Some of them say things like, “I like you”, “Worthy”, “You’re the best”, “I don’t apologize for taking up space”, and “Let your soul shine”. Notice that “I love you” isn’t one of those notes. Loving myself is implied in the notes, but I still wasn’t able to write it outright onto paper to see it every day.

In gratitude and respect for myself, I’m making a commitment to make an art piece totally directed towards my self-love. It can be anything; a painting, a drawing, doodles, magazine cutouts… anything that moves my soul. I hope this project will serve as a reminder to myself of my own love, especially for those times when I’m not feeling like my best self.

Today, I will smile in the mirror. I will give myself a hug. I will do anything to remind myself that I really do have love for myself. This will only heighten my gratitude and send vibrations of love inward, healing parts of myself that once couldn’t say, “I love you, Kelly”.

Sending love and light, Kel.