Living with Bipolar Disorder is tough. Everyone with the disorder experiences it a little differently. For me, it’s mostly severe depressive episodes with occasional hypomania and sometimes a relatively short period of stability (maybe 2 or 3 months).

It is my understanding that hypomania literally means “under mania”. It’s a common misconception that hypomania is less severe than full blown mania. Hypomania contains most (if not all) of the symptoms of mania, except that in a full blown manic episode there can be hallucinations and/ or psychosis.

Irritability, sleepless nights, overconfidence, hyper-talkativity, impulsivity (including spending problems and reckless driving, among other things), and euphoria are my most common symptoms of my hypomanic episodes.

It is well known that “what goes up must come down”, and (hypo)mania is no exception! Usually depression (sometimes very severe) follows a manic episode. This is something I often don’t pay attention to or care about when I’m in a hypomanic state. I want my hypomania to go higher and higher. Why, you ask?

The way I see the world becomes more vibrant when I’m hypomanic, and my senses become tenfold. I made the analogy that the way I see the world when I’m not hypomanic is like a 4K television. When I’m hypomanic, the world becomes 8K… colors are deeper and details are intensified. Sunsets are the most extravagant ones I’ve ever seen. I will dance and sing to any music. Laughter becomes intensified by even the tiniest bit of entertainment. Conversation with strangers becomes the most facinating. Even my hearing becomes more acute. But, most times I just can’t stand loud environments. It’s sensory overload. That’s when I become irritable beyond belief.

Irritability rears it’s ugly head when things aren’t going “fast enough”. Someone is driving below or at the exact speed limit = irritable. Commercial breaks on TV are way too long = irritable. Someone in a conversation isn’t getting to the point as quickly as I’d like = irritable. Sure, these everyday things would make anyone irritated… and, in my experience, the irritability that comes along with Bipolar is much more intense! It makes me want to scream. It makes me crawl in my skin.

I can become super excited about the next day that I won’t sleep at all the night before. The thing is, the next day is almost always just an ordinary day with absolutely nothing to look forward to that’d make me miss my ZZZ’s. I usually get up and ready for the day by 2 or 3am. When I say I get ready for the day, I mean totally ready! Full face makeup and a full outfit with shoes to match! That’s part of the excitement. In fact, when I’m hypomanic, basically everything is exciting!

I need to realize that, when I get to a point of hypomania, it’s part of the illness. Hypomania means I’m sick. My mental stability is out the window. It’s hard to recognize that in the midst of it because hypomania (mostly) feels good… it just does. I want it to last forever because it seems way better than stability, and definitely way better than the depths of depression! But, when it comes along, the responsible thing to do is to reach out to my nurse practitioner who handles my medication management. Sometimes meds need to be tweaked a little bit, or even totally changed up! It sucks but that’s the reality.

So, yes, (hypo)mania can be exciting and fun. I do need to remember, though, that it ultimately means my mental health isn’t on point. And, for me, medication is only 50% of getting better. The rest of it is self-care and taking responsibility for my actions. As much “fun” as some of hypomania is, it’s also quite destructive in many ways (including strained relationships with family and friends, financial instability, and post-mania guilt; just to name a few).

I hope sharing my personal experiences with this side of Bipolar Disorder will be helpful; if only to help others understand more about it, and also to help others experiencing similar things to know they’re not alone.

Sending love and light, Kel.