I haven’t written on my blog in a while. I’ve been thinking a lot about it though. I just don’t have much to say lately.

I was talking with my therapist today and we both decided that I have a hard time identifying regular emotions; ones that aren’t extreme, influenced by substances and/or Bipolar Disorder. My homework for therapy was to journal on that, so I decided to write a poem. Here it is:

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A woman who lives in extremes sits alone in contemplation. Who’s to say what she’s feeling? Do her feelings even have any meaning? Sure they do, but she doesn’t know how to identify them…and she doesn’t know why. Maybe her feelings aren’t flat after all. Maybe her feelings are just confusing and dull?

There’s a lot of confusion. She could make the call that her feelings just aren’t full and grand, nor are they empty and dark. Still, these feelings make a mark on her mind. They imprint something that she can’t name.

She can’t recall the last time she had a good laugh; the kind that leaves a person trying to catch their breath. Is she content? No, I don’t think that’s the right word for it. Maybe she’s just so in her head that she can’t seem to feel anything? There’s got to be a way for her to feel something again. When’s the last time she gave a big grin about a situation? Not in a very long time.

She has to figure all of this out. Without figuring this out, there’s really no way for her to work on it. It makes her feel sick to know that her feelings feel like this. Most of the time, she only can guess at this shit. It makes her angry and sad to know that this is her reality because she shouldn’t have to try to figure out these feelings. It should just come naturally.

It may seem like she doesn’t care about a lot of things, but that’s far from the truth. The truth is that she just doesn’t remember how to express emotion. There’s nothing in motion; her mind is stuck inside itself. That’s the whole point of seeking professional help.

She can’t answer the question of how to identify regular emotions. Maybe it’ll just have to come with time in stability of mood? Forget trying to figure it all out. You’d go insane, too, if you had to figure this out. It can’t be figured out like that; all at once. So what does she do? Put on a front? Pretend that things excite her? Make herself feel these emotions? That doesn’t sound like she would be being real with everyone. Only time will tell on this one.

For now, maybe she’ll just journal in her notebook. Journaling will help her look at the whole picture. Then she might be able to configure an idea of regular emotion.

This order isn’t a tall one. If only she could tell what was fun… then this wouldn’t be an issue! But, her emotions fizzle out as fast as they come. So then that makes it hard to identify them. That’s the whole problem.

Mindfulness might help her. She has to stay in the moment if she wants to get know her emotions for sure. She’ll keep journaling and keep trying. Otherwise, she’ll forever be wondering…