I’m at the library right now writing my first blog post in a while. I’ve been in a weird place lately. I don’t necessarily not care, but it’s like I’m numb to the consequences of my actions.

I got a job about a month ago. I wasn’t putting my best effort into the job. Eventually, I ended up walking out of the job.

At the suggestion of a good friend of mine, I called the job back and apologized for walking out on them. They asked if I was coming back. I was surprised at that. I thought for sure they would accept the apology and send me on my way. They told me once I get things straightened out in my life situation that I would have to reapply and go through that process over again.

What life situation am I straightening out exactly? I’m not really sure. I know I’ve been really careless in my actions as of late. I would like to have a fresh start at things. A good friend of mine always says that I can start my day over at any point. I think I have to start this whole month over! Good thing April is just around the corner…kidding!

I’m not sure about anything right now though. I don’t even know how I feel right now. I don’t know anything.

I guess what I can do is journal my thoughts throughout the day and see if there are any patterns. I can say that I’ll do that, but I know I won’t.

Being numb to the consequences of my actions is a scary place to be in. Because, who knows what I’ll do next?! I don’t know. My impulsivity is high right now. All I can do is place my reliance on asking for help when I need it. I’ve been having a hard time asking for help lately. I know it’s something I need to work on.

So, when I asked my former employer if they would have me back, I suppose I was ready for any answer. I was leaning towards them saying no, but I wasn’t nervous about the call either way. There’s no way I can do all this on my own. I’m going to have to ask for guidance. And, I think I’m okay with that.

This numbness to the consequences of my actions isn’t going to last forever. Eventually I’m going to have to make decisions and stick to them. There’s no running away. That’s scary. And, it’s also freeing.

I know I can do this. I can take responsibility. It’s time to do some adulting. Not fun, but necessary.

Sending love and light, Kel.