I had a conversation with my therapist the other day. It basically went like this, “Your homework is to identify your priorities and how these things fit into your meaningful life”. My meaningful life looks the opposite of what I’ve currently been doing. I’d like to start having a set routine that includes good sleep hygiene, meals, exercise, adequate hydration, and play. I’m so close to achieving this, yet, so far away…

I was working the other day, and I had three different tasks at once. I had tears welling up in my eyes because I was so overwhelmed that I didn’t know where to start. It hit me that that’s exactly what we were talking about in therapy. What are my priorities? And, why are they so overwhelming to get in order?

I suppose I could say I like living in chaos, but that would ultimately be an excuse. What’s really happening is that my brain can’t really comprehend what needs to come first. Maybe that’s why I’m always asking for other’s opinions about my own life?

In my meaningful life, I’d like to include lots of self-reliance. I’d like to have order to the things that I say and do. That’s easier said than done for me, though. It’ll take time and a lot of effort on my part to be able to build that confidence.

So what are my priorities, exactly? I’d like to have my mental and physical well-being come first because, without those things, I won’t have the energy to go through with anything else. My spiritual life has to be on the top of the list, too. I need to have a close relationship with my Higher Power if I’m ever going to stay sane. There are many ways I can go about strengthening my physical, mental, and spiritual life all at once! I have the tools. I just need to stop making excuses as to why I don’t use them.

Ultimately it’s up to me. I can ask for help until I’m blue in the face, and nothing will change until I put in the work for it to.

I think I’m ready to take the baby-steps I need to take in order to get my life back! Part of this change has to be asking for professional help. I’m looking into going to treatment for my eating disorder and my compulsive spending. I know if I can start to work on all these things a little at a time, then I’ll have a better chance at making it through every day.

There’s no shame in asking for help when it’s needed. And, there has to be a balance between asking for help and self-reliance. I think I’m learning both.

I’m excited and terrified to start this next chapter of my journey! Something has to change… and that something is me.

Sending love and light, Kel.