Getting the motivation to shower is a big one. I get down on myself because “normal” people shower at least every other day. I seem to go 3 or 4. And, on the days I don’t shower, I hardly change my clothes! I’ll wear the same outfit for two days (while also having slept in them).

It’s not that I don’t like showers or clean clothes. Those things definitely make me feel good. I think I might have a hard time because of the effort. Maybe I’m lazy. Maybe I don’t care. Maybe I don’t deserve to be a “normal” person. I’m not neurotypical. We know this already. But, that shouldn’t mean I don’t deserve hygiene. What else don’t I think I deserve?

I don’t deserve to take care of myself physically and emotionally. It’s because I’ve spent my whole life in self-abuse. It’s not that I don’t know better, because I have been told how to be better. It’s harder to put into action. I can’t say I love myself, because who loves themselves and still doesn’t care?

I don’t like myself enough to have the discipline that is needed after motivation wares off. That’s why I never finish what I start. My motivation goes from 100 to zero and then I quit. It’s been that way my whole life, for the most part. I’ve never learned discipline, I guess. Even though that’s what meditation is about.

I’ve had training in mindfulness and meditation. It shouldn’t be hard for me to use those skills in life outside of the formal practices. Yet, it is hard. If I could keep my motivation going then maybe I’ll have a chance at liking myself, or even loving myself! But, then again, achievement has nothing to do with self-love. But self-care and self-love sort of have to go together.

So, I am going to set an intention of meeting myself where I’m at with motivation and discipline. It’s a start.

Sending love and light, Kel.