Fall is coming up. That’s the usual time of year when my moods take a nosedive and I get back into depression. At least I know my patterns.. Fall=depression Winter=hypomania Spring=depression Summer=hypomania.. it’s been this way since I can remember. I don’t want to make it a self-fulfilling prophecy. I just need to look out for myself. I’m already starting to feel depression coming on though.

It feels like an impending sense of doom. Like there’s a veil between me and the world. Like I look around and everything is flat and dull.

I try to remember my therapy skills whenever I feel depression looming. They’re hard to remember because I have so many. One simple one that I know works for depression is going for a walk outside. It helps to do this as a preventative skill to lessen the onset of a full-blown depressive episode.

Now, do I always take my own advice and use these skills? Most times no. And I know, when I actually do put them into action, they really do help! So why don’t I take my own advice? I suppose I could say I’m just stubborn. That sounds like an excuse. I could say I’m too tired and fatigued. That might be a pass.. and I also know that’s a bullshit excuse since I work in a warehouse everyday, so there’s no reason I’d have no energy to take a ten minute walk around the block in the fresh air.

Does it sound like I’m trying to convince myself to go for a walk outside? Because I think it sounds exactly that way! I do this subconsciously most times. I talk myself in, out, in, out. Until I finally (usually) ask myself, “Kelly, what feels right to your soul?” [What does my soul have to say about this? Is it aligning with my values? Does it feel right or wrong in my instincts?]

When Fall approaches and I’m feeling depression dragging me down again, I have to take some type of action; no matter how much I’m tempted to let depression take over.

I hope no one understands the dull, flat, distant world I live in during my times of depression. If they understand then that means they’ve experienced it too. I don’t wish that pain on anybody. Of course, if you or a loved one are struggling, that’s completely valid. You deserve to be heard. It’s okay to feel whatever it is you need to feel in order to get to the other side of this. Believe me, there is hope! Hope may not mean sunshine and rainbows for the rest of our lives; things are constantly changing, and coming & going (and maybe coming back around).

What I mean to say is: even though mood shifts come and go, there’s still room to experience the genuine joys of life in the present moment.

My depression might be returning. It might surprise me this Fall and stay mild. It could turn out to be exactly what I think it’ll be: severe and super heavy. But, if I can convince myself to just take that walk outside… that may get me a little bit closer to hope.