Hey there!

There’s been a lot going on in my mind as of late. I have been reflecting on life and death. It’s March, which means it’s Jimmy’s 20 years since he died. I can’t believe it’s been that long! I think about everything that he missed out on experiencing because he wasn’t here with us. He missed being an uncle. He missed seeing his siblings graduate from college. He missed all his birthday parties that he would’ve had. Holidays, too. He missed the little things that most of us take for granted. The warmth of the sun, a morning cup of coffee, the smell of freshly cut grass in the summer, beautiful nighttime blizzards in the winter. He missed so many things by deciding not to be here.

I mention these things because it helps me to remember reasons why I need to stay alive. There have been many up’s and down’s for me in the past nine years. My lowest low’s end up with my being admitted onto the psych unit at the hospital. I’ve been hospitalized more times than I can remember. But, more often than not, I’m able to see the beauty of life. I think that’s what helps the most.

I’ve learned the heartache that comes with the loss of loved ones. Some of the people I’ve lost were closer to me than others. Some of the losses weighed heavier on my heart, regardless of how close of a relationship we had. Every life on this earth impacts everyone else far more than they realize.

Losing Jimmy took a toll on everyone around him. For me, his loss caused a fascination with death. I only just discovered this in therapy this week, actually. I’m drawn to the idea of where we go after we die. I’m interested in walking through cemeteries; there’s something peaceful about it. On my worst days, there’s the idea of my own death. Thankfully, today, I’m not in a place where I’m thinking death would be better than life. Still, I’m intrigued by where the spirit goes after our physical bodies are no longer breathing.

There are many things to remember in life. One of the biggest things is gratitude for every single breath we take. I’ve lost enough people in my life to know that we never know when our time will come. I’ve met people in the hospital who tried to take their lives, and it didn’t work. They ended up with health problems such as needing dialysis or constant monitoring. Only the universe knows when it’s our time. And, until then, I believe we need to take in every breath fully and honor that we’re still here. We’re able to celebrate holidays, have birthday parties, be with nieces and nephews, and feel the warmth of the sun.

Life is short and precious. And it’s always here, in this moment, to revel in.

Sending love and light, Kel.