I’ve always been a wallflower. I stay in the background and observe. I don’t speak my mind. This might be a defense mechanism against the possibility of being an outsider. But, in reality, all it does is close me off from connection.

Vulnerability is scary. To be truly myself takes vulnerability and courage. I need to step back and realize that it’s absolutely okay (and even necessary) to let go of the role of “the quiet one”.

My whole life, I’ve hid behind the label of being shy. It helped me survive in times when I needed to hide myself from traumatic situations. When to speak up would mean getting emotionally hurt or would cause more chaos. Now I’m learning that it’s okay to use my voice to take care of myself.

With family, it’s especially necessary to use my voice when I don’t feel I’m being respected or when my boundaries are being crossed. I’ve walked away from certain circumstances because of these things. But there’s a fine line between walking away to save myself and walking away to avoid being vulnerable.

My therapist tells me to “avoid avoiding”. It’s pretty straightforward advice. Yet, it’s not something I would think to do on my own. Nor does it come naturally. That’s why I love my therapist. She points out the things that I don’t know I need to work on. But, I digress…

My family system is messed up. Whose isn’t? So, I need to be proactive in guarding my mental health when I’m around them. This doesn’t mean I don’t love them. I do love my family! But that doesn’t erase the stress.

Opening up to being more vulnerable while also preserving my mental health is hard work! It seems counterintuitive. It’s really a skill. That’s why I have my mentors, friends, and therapist to help guide me. It’s not only with family that I need to practice stepping outside of the box I put myself in of “the quiet one”. It’s really something I need to practice with everyone.

While avoiding “bad feelings”, I’m also putting myself in a place to avoid the good ones, too. And that’s not something I’m willing to risk anymore.

There’s nothing wrong with speaking up. It cultivates confidence, even if it’s taken the wrong way by others. It’s a powerful thing to use your voice and speak your truth. Your truth might look different than someone else’s truth… and that’s okay, too! It’s okay to step outside of the box that you or others around you have put you in. It’s part of the journey of growing and evolving as a person.

I don’t want to be closed off from connection. Human connection is a beautiful thing! I deserve beautiful, open, vulnerable moments in life. It’s part of what makes life meaningful. Everyone deserves to feel heard and to feel like they can be themselves. That’s what being open is all about.

Sending love and light, Kel.