I don’t know which comes first, depression or hypomania. All I know is depression sucks and hypomania feels really good (most times).

Hypomania is basically the same thing as mania, but it’s without the hallucinations and psychosis that mania can bring up. And, bipolar depression sucks the life out of my soul. There’s really no cure for mood episodes when they occur. All I can do is manage them the best I can.

So what does hypomania feel like? It’s sometimes euphoric, sometimes irritability; sometimes both. Euphoria in hypomania, to me, feels like I’m high off life. Everything is exciting! I’m usually extra confident, too. I strut with my head held high when I walk. I feel good… more than good. I talk faster and louder. My ideas seem to be the best ones in the world. And I have a lot of new ideas as far as goals for my life and things I want to do! I write a lot more; both in my journal as well as on my blog. I drive 5 (or 10) miles per hour over the speed limit. I cut people off and weave in and out of traffic because no one is driving fast enough. I think sleep is a waste of time. I usually only sleep a few hours a night; basically, just taking long naps instead of a full night’s sleep. All of my senses are heightened, which includes an increased libido. Yes, I have a higher sex drive than my norm. No one really likes to talk about that part of (hypo)mania, but it’s true! My fashion sense becomes more flamboyant and matching.

I can get into trouble because of all these symptoms. I can (and have) gotten into financial debt. My body gets worn out through sleep deprivation and not eating enough (because who has time to sleep and eat)? I get dehydrated from the extra caffeine I drink trying to keep the “high” going. I put strain on relationships. I get irritated with family members easily. And I flirt with men in my life who I’d never have considered flirting with if I were stable. I suppose I could end up getting a speeding ticket while driving recklessly (knock on wood that won’t happen). I attract sometimes unwanted attention from men who think they can hit on me because I’m wearing more revealing clothes (thanks to that boost of confidence). People sometimes feel uncomfortable when they’re trying to have a conversation with me and I keep changing subjects or get really excited about something that really isn’t all that exciting to begin with.

As you can see, hypomania can feel great, but isn’t really good because it means I’m sick in my bipolar disorder. I’m not well.

Since there’s no cure for bipolar episodes, all I can do is manage them the best that I can. And that’s okay. It doesn’t make it bad. It just means I need to keep myself aware of my actions more than other people.

I wouldn’t change my diagnosis. Having bipolar has opened my eyes to a world of extreme beauty (and heartache). I don’t love it, but I can live with it. I’m even grateful for it. It’s taught me empathy and compassion towards other people as well as myself. And that makes it less of a burden for me and more of a gift.

Sending love and light, Kel.