Hope is magical. Hope can change everything.

The past few weeks have been rough for me. It started when my dog, Oscar, got sick. We had to put him down a couple of weeks ago. He was the most stubborn little guy you’ve ever met! He really disliked selfies with me. And he loved to eat food that I would accidentally drop on the floor at dinner time. We had a funeral for him in the front garden, and my tears wouldn’t stop.

My depression slowly got worse as time went on. Then it took a nosedive. I started having suicidal thoughts again. They’re something that I’m used to, unfortunately, but when they get loud I get scared. I almost drove myself to the hospital at one point out of panic. Then something changed.

I went to work one night, and I felt useful. I felt like I wanted to be there! I tend to skip work or leave early when depression hits. But this time it was different.

Somehow, hope began to show up in my life again. I think it has to do with a lot of factors. I put action into things that I didn’t want to do, and I did them anyway. I helped around the house more. I talked things through with friends instead of isolating. I started to take care of myself again. I even shaved my legs! These actions really did help immensely.

Hope comes back when I get outside of myself. Of course, I always need to take care of myself too! But that’s a necessary part of survival. Drinking enough water, for example, balances my electrolytes and gives me energy to get through the day. As do regular meals and snacks.

I started praying again. Not for my Higher Power to get me out of my depression, but for them to provide whatever would be the best outcome for me. I know my Higher Power wants me to love myself and to be loved by others. I wasn’t worried so much then. I was sort of relieved of my fears.

Nothing happens in this world to me. It’s just happening. It’s about how I handle my responses. Oftentimes I can’t respond, I can only react. These are the times when I panic or get angry. But I can recognize when these emotions are showing up for me today. That means, most of the time, there is room for me to take a step back and make a decision on what to do next.

I know my intuition is strong. It always has been. I thought at times that I was psychic. I can feel what was going to happen next, and I can feel the energies of other people. It’s both a blessing and a curse.

So, yes, I believe that hope does return after a severe depressive episode. It always has for me, eventually. I get so tangled up in my depression that hope doesn’t even seem to exist at all, and it doesn’t feel like it’ll ever be there again. But here it is! Nothing much had changed externally. But I have fought so hard to get back to this place! I’m still not 100%… and I’m coming to believe there is no such thing. All I can do is to keep showing up to life.

Sending love and light -Kel.