I was reminded tonight that I am not my thoughts. I don’t have to buy into everything I think.

I was invited to a bonfire meeting tonight. It was spectacular. There is an aura about bonfires in general that really brings people together. I felt the love of my AA family.

Earlier today, I was having a rough go of it. I was stuck in my head and thoughts. I was beating myself up for thinking the way I was thinking. I am my own worst enemy. No one will ever talk to me the way I speak to myself in my own head.

On a similar note, I have already gone through the hardest thing I will ever have to go through in my life: staying alive when all I wanted to do was die. I don’t feel that way anymore. I have a whole life ahead of me, and I intend to live it to the fullest.

If I’m my own worst enemy, and I made the decision to keep going in life, then I must actually be my own best friend. I’m learning to treat myself with the respect I deserve. I am a survivor. I am a recovery warrior. I am here for a reason. There’s absolutely no reason for me to bully myself. I can show myself grace. I can treat myself with loving kindness. It’s not always easy. Sometimes I need other people in my life to steer me back into kind thinking; to reframe my thoughts into more realistic, postive ones.

It takes time to retrain the brain (as I was gently reminded of by my therapist tonight). Life is a journey. There’s no hurry, no need to rush. I’m learning to mean what I say and say what I mean. And that people won’t always remember what you said, but they will remember how you made them feel.

Tonight at the bonfire I felt pure love, kindness, and openness. It’s freeing to know I can be myself, and I’m working on allowing myself to be my most authentic self all of the time. I often talk about vulnerability, because it’s a topic that I have much to learn about and am learning to incorporate into my life. I tend to shut down when I feel emotional. I’m learning to do just the opposite of that. To speak up when all I want to do is hide.

Life is an amazing gift. I will not let myself waste another day disrespecting myself with negative thinking. Life is too short for that. Of course, as my therapist also reminds me, it’s not black and white. There will always be negative thoughts that pop up here and there. I can take a step back from my thoughts, accept that they’re there, and then move forward.

There are days when taking a shower and brushing my teeth are too difficult. On those days, it’s okay to take some time to myself to regroup. It once took me until the evening to get the motivation to brush my teeth, and after I did, I felt accomplished. It’s the little things that we often overlook that are the most rewarding.

What I’m saying is: there’s absolutely no right or wrong way to do recovery as long as I’m living in love and truth. The bonfire meeting reminded me of human connectedness and how important that truly is in life. Being my own best friend means staying connected to my highest self and living by my values. When I do those things, I know I will be okay.

Sending light and love, Kel.